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Ask the School Psychologists: Better ways to praise your children

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(Chelsea Update would like to thank Kristin Krarup-Joyce, Ed. S. NCSP, Ellen Kent, Ed. S. NCSP and Emily Verbeke, Ed. S. NCSP for the information in this weekly column. If you have a question for one of the school psychologists, please email [email protected]. All information will be kept confidential.)

Our child performs; we praise – often without thought.

What’s the harm, right? After all, it’s just a quick verbal pat on the back. But here’s the harm: Praise often motivates children … to receive more praise. And when praise labels a child (e.g., “I am smart”), it’s easy to focus on looking good instead of learning.

In fact, this focus on looking good can become so intense that it encumbers kids from taking simple chances such as raising their hands in class. In short, telling kids they are “smart” can make them act the opposite.

So how should we praise our kids to build an effective motivational framework?

Praise the process, not the person

The research: In groundbreaking studies, researcher Carol Dweck found that the way we praise kids can affect their mindset and, in turn, their propensity to take on challenges, persevere and succeed academically. Dweck identified two particular mindsets: fixed versus growth.

Kids with fixed mindsets believe things such as intelligence, character and creative ability are innate and immutable. In other words, no matter how much they study or how much effort they exert, they’re pretty much stuck with the cards they’ve been dealt. Because children with fixed mindsets believe their potential is capped, they avoid challenges that test their abilities.

On the other hand, kids with a growth mindset believe the brain is a muscle that can grow, and abilities are assets to be nurtured through hard work. Kids with growth mindsets believe that what they are born with are raw materials-a launching point. As a result, they thrive on challenges.

Dweck and colleagues demonstrated the difference in mindsets during one experiment in which 4 year olds were asked to work on jigsaw puzzles. They were given a choice to either work on an easy puzzle they had already completed or try a more challenging one.

Those with fixed mindsets chose to redo the easier puzzles, thus affirming their existing abilities.

Those with growth mindsets thought the choice was odd to begin with – why would someone do the same puzzle again instead of learning something new? The growth-mindset children opted to stretch themselves by tackling the more challenging puzzles. In sum, growth mindset children relate success to the act of becoming smarter rather than demonstrating they are already smart.

Want to cultivate a growth mindset in your child?

Try this:
Instead of “person praise” (e.g., “You are creative”), offer “process praise”:

A. Praise the strategy (e.g., “You found a really good way to do it.”)

B. Praise with specificity (e.g., “You seem to really understand fractions.”)

C. Praise effort (e.g., “I can tell you’ve been practicing.”)

(Next week, we’ll look at two more strategies you can employ.)

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