(Chelsea Update would like to thank Kristin Krarup-Joyce, Ed. S. NCSP, Ellen Kent, Ed. S. NCSP and Emily Verbeke, Ed. S. NCSP for the information in this new weekly column. If you have a question for one of the school psychologists, please email [email protected] and all information will be kept confidential.)
Question: Some of my son’s friends have parents who allow them to stay up later and be alone unsupervised in their home. I’m uncomfortable with this. How do I approach these parents with my concerns without causing a rift in the new friendships that my has made?
Answer: As parents, we are often faced with the proverbial, “But Johnny is allowed to…” It is important for you to establish limits with your children. Limits can help children feel that the world is predictable, orderly, and safe. Parents should consider each child’s age and unique developmental factors when establishing limits, and review these limits regularly to adjust for their child’s continuing maturity.
Limits need to be explicitly and regularly communicated to children and should be enforced consistently. The consequences for challenging limits should be clear, appropriate, and when possible, natural and logical in relation to the offense.
You are right to be concerned about unsupervised time alone. Explain to your son that you are uncomfortable with this. Tell him that if he is invited over again, you will need to call the parents and explain your position.
When you do talk with the other parents, be straightforward. Ask if an adult will be home to supervise the boys. If not, say that you aren’t comfortable with that. No judgment is being made, it’s just something you are not comfortable with. Perhaps you could invite this friend over to your house.
The bottom line is you are responsible for your son’s safety. Quite frankly, when my children are invited to a friend’s house and I don’t know the parents very well, I always call ahead and ask about supervision. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the reaction I get from the other parents — they have always thanked me for calling.
