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Last week we looked at one strategy for using praise effectively. Below are two more thoughts on using praise authentically.
Keep it real: Don’t say, “Good job!” when it’s not.
The research: Another pioneer in the field, psychologist Wulf-Uwe Meyer, found in a series of experiments that only kids under the age of seven accept praise at face value; older children are just as suspicious of praise as adults. In fact, by the age of 12, children scrutinize words of praise for truth and hidden agendas. After all, they usually know whether they actually did a good job.
Meyer’s studies found children believed that receiving praise from a teacher was not a sign of doing well; rather, it was a sign the teacher thought they lacked ability and needed extra encouragement. These kids had detected a pattern: Kids who are falling behind are drowned in praise. Even more interesting, Meyer shows that teens discounted praise to such extent that they felt a teacher’s criticism was a better indicator of doing well.
Be sincere. One of the biggest mistakes we can make as parents and teachers is assuming that kids aren’t sophisticated enough to sense the intentions behind our praise. You might think that you’re encouraging a child by praising poor performance, but as it turns out, kids may actually perceive inauthentic praise as a sign of failure. Offer authentic praise for real achievements.
Stop praising altogether. (Seriously? Yes, indeed.)
The research: An impressive body of studies shows praise can be altogether demotivating. For example, in research conducted by Mary Budd Rowe, students elementary through college age who were praised lavishly by teachers began to answer questions with a more tentative tone (“Um, the answer is seven?”). And when the teacher disagreed, the students would back off from their original idea or answer.
In another eye-opening study by researcher Joan Grusec, 8-to-9 year olds frequently praised for generosity started to act less generous on an everyday basis relative to other children. Get this, each time the children heard “I’m so proud of you for helping,” or “Great sharing!” they became a little less interested in helping or sharing.
Here’s the thing: Kids develop immunity to praise. They require higher and higher doses of it to be satiated. And as soon as parents and teachers remove the dangling carrot, children can lose interest in their activity. Lilian Katz, a leading authority on childhood education, explains, “Once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again.” In short, the point of a child’s activity (painting, climbing, tying their shoes, etc.) becomes only to win that carrot, the “Good job!” from an adult.
So if we’re going to cut back on praising, what should we do instead?
Try this:
Instead of praising, try to observe and comment. For example, make a simple, evaluation-free statement such as “You put your shoes on by yourself.” or simply, “You did it.” Such comments acknowledge effort and encourage children to take pride in their accomplishments. If your child draws a picture, provide feedback – not judgment – on what you observe: “Those clouds are big.” or “Boy, you sure used a lot of blue today.”
Like all of us, I want my kids to feel encouraged and motivated. I want to acknowledge their triumphs because I’m genuinely proud of them. I also know that I’m a “Good job” junkie, and changing habits takes a little effort.
My plan? Next time I see my 1-year-old tackle her latest challenge, I plan on taking a deep breath and really connecting with her by praising her process, keeping it real and making a simple observation about what she’s accomplished. I hope I still get that toothy smile I love so much.
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