(Kristin Krarup-Joyce is a school psychologist with the Chelsea School District. Address questions to [email protected]. All questions are confidential. For part one of this column, please click here.)
Read on for tips to help you with sibling rivalry at your house from the University of Michigan Health System.
How can I help my kids get along better?
Don’t play favorites. This one is a “biggie”.
Try not to compare your children to one another. For example, don’t say things like, “Your brother gets good grades in math—why can’t you?”
Let each child be who they are. Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.
Enjoy each of your children’s individual talents and successes.
Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete. For example, have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other.
Pay attention to the time of day or other patterns in when conflicts usually occur. Are conflicts more likely right before naps or bedtime or maybe when children are hungry before meals? Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned quiet activity when the kids are at loose ends could help avert your kids’ conflicts.
Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play, and to share their belongings and toys.
Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Older and younger children may have different privileges due to their age, but if children understand that this inequality is because one child is older or has more responsibilities, they will see this as fair. Even if you did try to treat your children equally, there will still be times when they feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you. Expect this and be prepared to explain the decisions you have made. Reassure your kids that you do your best to meet each of their unique needs.
Plan family activities that are fun for everyone. If your kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and to have their space and property protected.
Be there for each child:
Set aside “alone time” for each child, if possible. Each parent should try to spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.
When you are alone with each child, you may want to ask them once in a while what are some of the positive things their brother or sister does that they really like and what are some of the things they do that might bother them or make them mad. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other.
Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.
Celebrate your children’s differences.
Let each child know they are special in their own way.
Resolving conflicts:
- Research shows that you should pay attention to your kids’ conflicts (so that no one gets hurt, and you can notice abuse if it occurs). Try to see if your children can work out their own conflicts, but remember that younger children will probably need you to intervene and help structure the problem-solving.
- Try not to take sides and favor one child over the other. Get them settled and calm first, then ask questions about what happened before dispensing discipline.
- Help your kids develop the skills to work out their conflicts on their own. Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. If you give them the tools, eventually they will have the confidence that they can work it out themselves.
- Don’t yell or lecture. It won’t help.
- It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel. Hold children equally responsible when ground rules get broken.
- In a conflict, give your kids a chance to express their feelings about each other. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Help your kids find words for their feelings. Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.
- Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.
- Give your kids reminders and advance warnings (for example, counting to three). When they start picking on each other, help them remember to state their feelings to each other. Help them solve the problem themselves. You can offer suggestions, but let them decide what are the best options.
- If you are constantly angry at your kids, no wonder they are angry at each other. Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your children how to manage theirs.
- Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.
- Model good conflict resolution skills for your kids when interacting with them and with other family members.
When to intervene:
Dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately. Separate the children. When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed.
If your children are physically violent with each other on a regular basis, and/or one child is always the victim, is frightened of the brother/sister, and doesn’t fight back, you are dealing with sibling abuse. You should seek immediate professional help and guidance.
Involve your children in setting ground rules. Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles.
Here are a few ideas:
- In a conflict, no hurting (hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) is ever allowed.
- No name-calling, yelling, or tattling is allowed.
- If the kids fight over a toy, the toy goes into time-out.
- Any child who demands to be first, will go last.
- No making fun of a child who is being punished, or you will also be punished.
- No fighting in the car, or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again.
- If arguing over who gets first choice of bedtime stories or favorite seats in the car is a problem, assign your kids certain days of the week to be the one to make these choices
- If borrowing is a problem, have the child who borrows something from a brother or sister put up collateral – a possession that will be returned only when the borrowed item is returned.
