(Ask the School Psychologist is a bi-weekly column where Chelsea School District Psychologist Kristin Joyce answers your questions. While Kristin is no expert, she does have access to lots of resources. This is one way she is providing outreach to the community. Please pose questions at [email protected]. All questions will remain anonymous.)
While it’s important to address the behavior behind the lying, if your child lies chronically or lies about unsafe, risky or unhealthy behavior, it makes sense to address the actual lying by having an intervention.
A “lying intervention” is really just a planned and structured conversation about the lying behavior. This lets your child know what you’ve been seeing, and gives you a chance to tell them that you are concerned. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Plan ahead of time: Think about how you’re going to intervene beforehand.
Don’t lecture: When you catch your child lying, remember that lecturing is not going to be helpful. What you need to do instead is to identify what it is that you’re seeing and what you’re concerned about.
Be specific and talk about what’s obvious: When you’re talking with your child, be specific about what you saw and what the problems are. You can state calmly and in a matter of fact way, “If the lying about homework continues, this will be the consequence.”
Or “It’s obvious you snuck out last night. There will be a consequence for that behavior.” Remember, it has to be a consequence that you can actually deliver on and are willing to follow through with.
Don’t be too complicated in your message: Keep it very focused and simple for your child; concentrate on the behavior. And then tell him that you want to hear what was happening that made him feel he needed to lie. (You are not looking for an excuse for the lie, but rather to identify the problem your child was having that they used lying to solve.)
Be direct and specific. The intervention itself would be quick and to–the–point; you don’t want to lecture your child for a long time. This is just ineffective.
Keep the door open: Because the lie is most likely a way your child is trying to problem solve, make sure you indicate that you want to hear what’s going on with him. He may not be ready to talk with you about it the first time you raise the subject—and this is where the neutrality on the parent’s part comes in. You want to be open to hearing what your child or teen’s problem is. You want to create a safe environment for him to tell you during that intervention or that first conversation. But if your child is not ready, it’s important to keep that door open. Create this environment by being neutral and not attacking him.
If You Catch Your Child in a Lie…
If you catch your child in a problematic lie, try not to react in the moment. Instead, send him to his room so you can calm down. When you do talk, don’t argue with your child about the lie. Just state what you saw, and what is obvious. You may not know the reason behind it, but eventually your child might fill you in on it. Again, simply state the behaviors that you saw.
A Word about “Magical Thinking”
Be aware that kids and adolescents are prone to engage in “magical thinking.” This means that when your child gets away with a few lies, he will start thinking he should be able to get away with them the next time. Often that just feeds on itself, and the lies become more and more abundant—and absurd. Your child might convince himself they’re true in order to get out of the trouble. Kids often don’t want to believe they’re lying; no one really wants to be a liar.
So you’ll see kids who’ve gotten caught smoking at school say, “No, I wasn’t smoking”—even though the smoke is still in the air. And when you’re a kid, you think that if you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, it will be true. But it’s your job as a parent to say as matter–of–factly as possible what you feel is the truth.
Acknowledge the lie, but give the consequence for the behavior, not for the lie.
Realize that most kids are not going to lie forever and ever. There is a very small percentage of kids who lie chronically. That’s more difficult for parents to deal with, and it requires professional help.
As always, the school psychologist, school social worker or school counselor at your child’s school can provide more resources, books and help regarding lying.
(Adapted from “Empowering Parents–“How to deal with Lying in Children and Teens,” by Janet Lehman.)
